We Got Shafted

I was contemplating what to write about today when ‘Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen)’ started playing on iPodicus. I know what you are thinking…not another post about that dad’gum iPod. I promise I’m going in a different direction so please work with me here. For those you who don’t know what that song is, it was the class of 1999′s graduation song. I wasn’t really that big on back then for two reasons: 1) We were partying like it was 1999 and 2) I thought it sucked.

Honestly I haven’t really listened to it since then since I was rather disgruntled with the song. Especially when Vitamin C wrote a rather nice song for the class of 2000. Anyways, a mere six years later and a ton of life experience behind me, I thought I would give the song a second chance.

I stopped what I was doing (yes, you can stop doing nothing), kicked my feet back, and entered into listening and reflective mode. And my conclusion:

It still sucks…for the most part.

There are a few pearls of wisdom buried beneath the ramblings of a person obsessed with sunscreen. So for your benefit, here are the lyrics to the song and some of my personnal thoughts.

Wear sunscreen. Yes, because florescent lights emit harmful UV rays.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now. I need sources and stats if you’re going to convice me to wear sunscreen. I mean, what benefits are you talking about?

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they’ve faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine. I wasn’t fat in high school. In fact, I needed to gain weight.

Don’t worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday. What?! Man, those are great analogies.

Do one thing every day that scares you. Yes, because I want to give myself a heart attack.

Sing. But I like to have friends.

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts. Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours. Now there is some decent wisdom.

Floss. Not in the south.

Don’t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long and, in the end, it’s only with yourself. Not too shabby.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how. Let me get this straight…you’re giving me advice on something you know nothing about?

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements. Yes, because the IRS will honor love letters when you start claiming your woman gift giving as tax write-offs. Actually…that might work. You could be like, “Here Mr. Government Official. Look at how much money I spend.”

Stretch. Ummmm…ok…

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t. I’m beginning to wonder if this guy ever graduated from high school.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You’ll miss them when they’re gone. Roger that.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else’s. That was soooo uplifting. Basically all I have to look forward to are half chances and being lonely or doing the funky chicken.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own. That could be taken so wrong. Maybe he was just referring to our minds. Yeah…that’s it…

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room. No…that is the only place I dance.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them. Overrated.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly. I’m purddy on the inside…and that’s all that matters.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they’ll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They’re your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. What if you don’t have any siblings? But I agree on the parents part. Mom and Dad, I love you!

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young. Ok, I can see that. You always need those people around that can back up your crazy college stories.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. How about, “Leave before you get jacked up.”

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you’ll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. Are you kidding me? Bill Clinton’s presidency has taken up 1/3 of my current life. Wrong!

Respect your elders. Yes!

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you’ll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out. In other news, I’m still looking for a ERSM or HSCWWLTF

Don’t mess too much with your hair or by the time you’re 40 it will look 85. That’s not what Uncle Jesse told me.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth. I smoke crack.

But trust me on the sunscreen. I got paid a lot of money to plug sunscreen.

Ok…I’m done for the day.

This has got to be one of the few times Paris has taken a bath.

What’s your response speed?

Been there. Welcome to the club, robots.

I so want to do this!!!

Check our your English skillz. Apparently I’m an English Genius. Tell me something I don’t know.

“It was like Dukes of Hazzard.”