Fire In The Hole

Boys and girls let me just say this: Jimmy is a man that knows which questions to ask. To recap Jimmy’s questions: Have you ever had a bottle rocket war, and would you like to possibly have one soon?

Jimmy, I’m no stranger to war. I’ve done battle with various implements of pain and destruction over the years…but fireworks are by far my favorite. Harkening back the days as a barefoot youngster in the foothills of Climax, my brother and I had many a bottle rocket fight. The hills were alive with the sound of bombs bursting in air. Surprisingly I made it out of my youth with all my fingers/toes and eyesight intact. Although just barely at times. Lord knows I’ve burned out chunks of hair and flesh…and the scars to prove it. Allow me to interject with a favorite quote of mine here:

Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory… lasts forever. Shane Falco, The Replacements

Now we would employ various methods to deliver a payload of rockets. They ranged from simply sticking the bottle rocket in the ground, to using…well…a bottle, and the favorite of rednecks everywhere: the light and throw method. All of these methods have their shortcomings. I’ve seen bottle rockets never leave the ground when stuck in on some occasions. Besides, it’s hard to aim like that. As for the bottle method, you get more of a mortar shell result rather than a fiery dart of doom. Not to mention the fact that if you have a rocket malfunction, you could end up with glass shrapnel. Not fun. While you do get courage points for the light and throw method…you run the risk of winning a Darwin award.

I didn’t list my favorite and preferred method: the bazooka. I cannot relate to you how effective and awesome this sheer genius of redneck ingenuity is. And what’s even better is that you can use this weapon in one- or two-man fire teams. The only thing you need is a 4 to 5 foot piece of PVC pipe and its go time. With a one-man fire team, just angle the pipe at about 10-20 degrees (use a protractor if needed) with the ground, light, and drop into the pipe. If you’re good you can light four or five at a time. As for the two-man fire team, one person kneels/aims while the second person loads. Just remember second person to clear out the rear (due to blow back) and tap the gunner on the head to let him know the rocket is lit.

Sadly, I somehow escaped childhood without ever sparring with roman candles. But you’re never too old right? I ran across this video of a bunch of teenagers having a roman candle war at night. I will caution that the video starts out with teenagers doing typical “stuff” but it gets good after that. You can view the video here (Windows Media, 3 MB).

To answer the second part of your question, yes I’m interested in doing it again and even giving the roman candles a try. As much as I hate to say it…fireworks are illegal in GA. In retrospect, that’s probably for a good reason. So we have to sneak across the border to Alabama to get the good stuff. Thankfully JR’s Fireworks is located right across the state line. In typical AL fashion, JR operates his business out of a trailer. It’s a b-e-a-utiful thing. Heck, in Montgomery, they have a store the size of Sams that sell fireworks 24/7/365…I’m talking about military grade fireworks here. Pardon me while I wipe away a tear…

Excuse the pun Jimmy…but lets light this candle.

And remember kids, “Stop, Drop, and Roll.”

I’m not beyond giving this a try either: A Vacuum Bazooka.

Whizzball.

“All of the sudden I heard a crash and a boom and a bang and I seen a semi.”

Everything that you ever wanted to know about Kool-Aid but were afraid to ask.

Quick Rotation.

There were so many choices for this news article that I just couldn’t pick one. Submit your own in the comments section if you like.