The Ultimate Challenge?

First and foremost, I need to preface a few things. 1.) This is NOT my brain child. I’ve seen this challenge floating around on the internet in some form or another. 2.) Seeing as how I teach kids this age at church, this isn’t something I really endorse. It’s more of a food-for-thought type question. So with that said, let me pose this question to you:

How many 5 year-olds could you take on at once?

- Choose your magic number. This is the number of kids you think you can take on.
- You are in an enclosed area, roughly the size of a basketball court. There are no foreign objects.
- You are not allowed to touch a wall.
- When you are knocked unconscious, you lose. When they are all knocked unconscious, they lose. Once a kid is knocked unconscious, that kid is “out.”
- Someone intent on seeing to it you fail gets to choose the kids from a pool that is twice the size of your magic number. The pool will be 50/50 in terms of gender and will have no discernable abnormalities in terms of demographics, other than they are all healthy Americans.
- The kids receive one day of training from hand-to-hand combat experts who will train them specifically to team up to take down one adult. You will receive one hour of “counter-tactics” training.
- There is no protective padding for any combatant other than the standard-issue cup.
- The kids are motivated enough to not get scared, regardless of the bloodshed. Even the very last one will give it his/her best to take you down.

So those are the rules.

Personally I don’t ever think this senerio would ever come of fruition unless you ran a turn of the century orphanage or sweatshop. However, in the spirit of this post, here’s what I think:

My magic number would be 20. Yes, I probably sealed my fate with that number, but I do like a good challenge. First I need to make a few assumptions: 1.) I’ll start off in the middle of the enclosed area. 2.) The kids will be placed in random locations around the area (away from the walls of course). 3.) Based on their training, they will attack in waves from all directions, probably forming a circle around me. I expect their target to by my chins and knee caps followed by blows to the gut with finishing moves to the head.

I will say that I’m a little scared at the fact that the kids are motivated enough not to get spooked. That rules out any “bully” tactics (a.k.a. completely owning a kid as an example) right away. However, I will take some comfort in my cup. Ok…I’ll probably be taking a LOT of comfort in that. Seeing that this is survial of the fittest and pride, here is what I would do:

Do a quick 360 to gauge my situation. I would then pick out the closest, tallest, leanest (criteria in that order) kid to me and land a stunning blow. Just enough to faze him real good. Next I would reach down and secure said stunned kid by the arms. I realize that during the process I’ll probably pick up a kid or two on my back. Not a problem, a quick elbow or fist back there should clear them off.

The one I got by the arms, yeah, they just became my human sword. While I’m in the center of the enclosure, I would start spinning around. Any kid caught in a 5 ft radius is going to have two little shoes upside their head. Before I get really dizzy, I need to dump my sword and get moblie…fast. So I would pick out the biggest clump of “attackers” and transform my human sword into a human rocket. Picture a bowling ball and pins if you will.

By now I would expect around 1/3 of my magic number (six) on the floor hurting…maybe half of those knocked out at best. Now the trick is to stay mobile. Take into consideration the average height of a five year old is three feet, which puts them roughly just below my waist line. That means it’s time to call on the powers of Bruce Lee and the high stepping FAMU Marching Band for a little knee-to-head action.

Hopefully I’ll be able to fly like a butterfly and sting like a bee. I believe if you managed to get somewhat of a rhythm down it would just be a matter of knocking them out before fatigue set in. I do expect to emerge victiorious with tattered clothes, bleeding chins, and various teeth/claw marks.

What about you? How many do you think you can take and what would be your tactics?

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