Arch-Nemeses

There are just some people and things in this world that really peeve me off for whatever reason to the nth degree. What better way to channel my anger and frustration in a positive manner than by creating an Arch Nemesis Page. It’s pretty freakin’ hard to get on this list, so consider yourself lucky if you happen to be on it.

Arch-Nemesis #1 – Emotional Baggage

Ok, here’s the deal: I’m not your father, brother, uncle, cousin (well, maybe in Georgia and Alabama), ex-boyfriend, ex-best friend, ex-friend, ex-husband, or ex-whatever or whoever of the male gender. Nor am I a representative of the entire male species. I am Joshua, an individual just trying to make my way in the world. An individual who did nothing to you other than wanting to be a friend and possibly more. Unlike the jackhole(s) that gave you your baggage set.

I’ve experienced more consequences, ulcers, high blood pressure, stress, and crap from emotional baggage in the stately 26 years I’ve walked this earth than most people see in a lifetime. So here is the deal, when boarding the train to Joshua Land, leave your baggage at home. Please show up 2 hours in advance so security can check you over. In the event that you manage to smuggle something in, you will be labeled an emotional terrorist and escorted (i.e. booted) off the premises. Furthermore, I am by no means a mind reader nor do I have your FBI file with complete background check and relational history. Therefore, I will not be held liable in the event that I do something to trigger an emotional flashback as illustrated in the pic above. She looks mangry don’t you think?

Mangry (adj.) – Describing the anger of women who are angry at men, specifically.

Side Note: Stalkers and obsessive women fall into this category. Kinda like having homo sapiens and homo erectus. Same genus, just different species.

Special Power: Loco-motions – The ability to have freak mood swings for no apparent reason. And yes, they can happen faster than a speeding train.

Arch-Nemesis #2 – Original Nintendo Games

Four hours later, one life left, no continues, and here is the Final Boss fight. Your palms are sweaty, carpel tunnel flaring, and you stopped blinking a long time ago. Following the cookie cutter NES rule of “hit the boss three times to win”, you are down to that final hit. You have sweated blood and cried tears for this one moment. Here goes, you are moving in for that kill…….boss performs some cheep move, game over, you lose.

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

At this point you either walked away in silence, a beaten man, or you threw the controller down, stomped on the floor, and probably could have made a sailor blush. Ah yes, those were the days. No save points, no memory cards, no ergonomic controllers with dual directional sticks and eight pressure sensitive buttons, and no 128-bit DVD games. Just you and your square controller with two buttons and 8-bits of cartridge glory. Kinda like a six-shooter from the old west.

The good ol’ times when every game had a 100% replay value because they were rarely beaten. The days when NES controllers would leave dents in wall (or the occasional head) and still be usable. Even after 20 years of game play, yes 20, there are still some NES games that I cannot beat….ok ALOT. Out of my NES, SNES, Sega Genesis/CD/32x, N64, PS1&2, GC, and Wii nothing makes me want to kill and maim like the NES. You will forever be a thorn in my side.

Special Power: Hyper Heart Attack – As mentioned above, that cheap move and causes you loss the big game.

Arch-Nemesis #3 – Tech Support for Tech Support

No, that’s not a typo. Most people don’t realize this, but even the tech support people need tech support. I know, I know, it pains me to say it, but we don’t know everything…just most things. The trouble is, when we have to get support on a problem, we have to start at the same level as everyone else. There isn’t a “special bypass where you get the guy that wrote the software” number that we can call.

Nope, we get the level one tech that reads right out of the instruction manual. The same ones that will forward you technotes from the website, the notes that I’ve already read a hundred times hoping that like the MagicEye pictures, something will jump out at time. Jinkies a clue!!! Instead I have to call, talk to a dispatcher, take my information, get put in the queue, wait for a tech, talk to the tech, realize that they are in way over their head, get put in the queue for level 2, wait for a tech, talk to the tech, and perhaps rinse, wash, and repeat.

But oh my friends, it gets better.

The average user doesn’t attain the level two or above tech in most cases. That means you don’t get to talk to Abhinav Tungesh (he says you can call him Abe). Not only do I have the opportunity to have supreme computer knowledge bestowed upon me, but I get to practice my foreign language skills. That’s practically a freebee!!!!

Special Power: Hit’em Where it Hurts – Software maintenance and tech support is very expensive. For example, its $255 per incident to call Microsoft. And in the case of most software packages, its 15-20% of the total cost of the package per year…even if you never need support. Microsoft should give there software away for free and just charge for support.

Arch-Nemesis #4 – Tallahassee Drivers

Talk about making the list. Man, people in Tallahassee just cannot drive. I’ve noticed a few homicidal tendencies that most Tallahassee drivers display. One of my most favorite driving techniques is the “Left Turn Lane Dash”

The dash is when you are in the rightmost lane, driving down the road at least 5 miles above the speed limit in moderate to heavy traffic. Suddenly, you feel the urge to go left. It doesn’t matter if you are making a left turn to a side road, need gas, food, or just making a U-turn. You just want to go left…end of story. So what do you do? Gently apply the brakes, turn the car 60 degrees to the left, and floor it across 3 to 4 lanes of traffic. Don’t worry about the other people because you have the right-of-way. On yeah, using a blinker is totally optional. If fact, its better if you don’t even use one.

My second favorite technique is the “Tallahassee Green Light.” (Credit goes to Kari for that term.) Your typical traffic light has three colors: Green, Yellow, and Red. In Tallahassee, our traffic light as two colors, Green and Red, and there are a few rules that apply to our special lights. Regular Green means to travel through the intersection at an average speed. Yellow, which translates into green, means to travel thru at an higher rate of speed. Red is a bit more tricky. If you are in the left turn lane or approaching the intersection and no one if stopped in front of you, the first four seconds of the Red light is actually Green. People in the left turn lane always have the right-of-way to incoming traffic. Confused? Yeah, me too.

I’m not even going to go discuss the “4-Way Stop Scramble.”

Just as a side note, most Tallahassee drivers got their license out of a Cracker Jack box. Its also worthy to note that their ability to drive decreases inversely to the amount of rain (in inches) that has fallen for that day.

Special Power: Slow Sense – The ability to sense when I am in a hurry and adjust speed accordingly, typically 10-15 miles below the posted speed limit on two lane roads with no passing.

Arch-Nemesis #5 – Unnecessary Commercials

Listen, I don’t care about your heavy days or light days. It doesn’t matter to me that you can absorb way more stuff than Brand X. Nor do I care about your sleek, pearl-like coated mini design. And the last thing I want to see when I turn on the TV is a . bouncing all over the screen. So take your new and improved wings and fly away. Period.

I also don’t care about the fact that you have a burning, inflamed O-ring. I don’t want to hear about how you can ride a bike or other normal things that require sitting down for long periods of time. Not to mention the fact that you destroyed the classic “Ring of Fire” by Johnny Cash.

Furthermore, I really don’t want to know that your screeching case genital herpes prevents you from going kayaking. What the two have in common, I don’t know and I don’t want to know.

Finally, man I’m glad that you finally worked up the courage to talk to your doctor about your problem. Good to know that you are standing tall. But don’t tell the whole world. No sir. That just isn’t kosher.

Special Power: Soul Scar – I am now scarred beyond help for trying to get that image you see above. Never…and I mean ever…put in tampon or tampax into a search engine. Its like opening the Book of the Dead or the Necronomicon. You just lose a piece of your soul in the process.

Arch-Nemesis #6 – Go Speed Ricer Go

I never have quite understood this. Just because (at least I used to) I drive Mustang GT doesn’t mean that I want to race your car. Whether you have a rice rocket or POS…I don’t care. I’ve always found it comical to pull up to a red light and have some little high school kid pull up beside me and rev the rice. You know, it sounds like a weed-eater. I’m usually like, “Whoa little fella, you’re going to kill off your four squirrels and Chinese man under your hood if you keep that up.” Just because you have racing stripes and automotive stickers on your car doesn’t mean that it will go faster. That’s called a “placebo”.

And another favorite is cruising down the highway with the cruse control set and have a ghetto’ed out Crown Vic come flying by…barney purple, gold trim, spinning rims (from Wal-Mart), and a gold crown on the dash. Needless to say I pass them a few miles later, my cruise still set at the same speed. And what happens, here they come again…passing and spraying for mosquitoes because you know they are at least 15K miles past due for an oil change.

And the chances of a race increases if a female is present in the car. Rate of chance is directly related to the hottness of said female. And no, the size of your man hood is not directly related to the number of modifications on your car…or the size of your exhaust pipe.

Special Power: Loser Fly By – After it is all said and done and they got a real good look at your tail lights, they still have to come flying around around you. That’s like running a football into the in-zone after the game is over.

Arch-Nemesis #7 – High and Mighty Christians

“Personally its not God I dislike, its His fan club I can’t stand.” – Unknown

Every church has ‘em. You know the ones I’m talking about. The members that walk around with their noses up in the air. Except for when they have to look down at you from their mighty perch (or high horse as the case may be). The ones that are always right, know every doctrine and/or law in the Bible and more than willing to give you their commentary/opinion on the matter…or any matter for that reason. While the Pope has his infallible throne, every chair they sit in is infallible.

These are the members that make it their business to know your business. You know, so they know how to “pray” for you (because gossip is a sin). Typically, they aren’t shy about telling you how much they put in the offering plate or how Mr. Doe only put in X amount (far less than they put in). Also, they only welcome you to the church if you are in the same or higher tax bracket.

And as a word of warning, never (and I mean ever) sit in their pew. You didn’t know there was reserved seating in church? Yep, you get reserved seats by doing the following: 1) Contribute enough money to the boosters to get a gold member status. That gets you reserved season ticket seats and the closest non-handicapped parking spot. 2) You buy the “In honor of” or “In memory of” plaque for the pew. That automatically reserves that pew for your family only. 3) That’s where you’ve been sitting ever since the church was founded. Because if you move, that will mess up God’s seating chart and you won’t receive your blessings.

Finally, for these High and Mighty, church is a social club and fashion show, not a place of worship. Oh yeah (along the lines of fashion), they usually wear steel toe boots to church because they don’t like getting their toes stepped on.

Can I get an amen?

Special Power: Condemnation – Despite the fact that we are born sinners and will die sinners, we just can’t be as good, holy, or as perfect as you are.

Arch-Nemesis #8 – Phone Nazis

Ring, ring, ring, ring…

Voice mail and answering machines were invented for a reason: to leave messages. I just don’t understand how people will let a phone ring five times, sit through a 30 second or so greeting, and hang up. After the beep mind you.

I don’t know about ya’ll, but it kinda makes my day when I’m leaving work and my cell says I have a new voice mail. Oh happy day!! Someone loves me!! Then I have to sit there, listen to half my greeting, type in my code, listen to the lady tell me I have a new message from X point in the space time continuum…only to hear a hang up. How nice. I typically label those the “Noncommittal Phone Nazis”.

Then you have the “Impatient” class of Phone Nazi. These are the ones that hang up the millisecond the voicemail greeting kicks in and immediately call back. This is using the phone like a battering ram on my nerves. Because everyone knows that a phone ringing a million times is like Dorothy clicking her heels…you’ll be instantly transported to the ringing phone.

There’s no place like a ringing phone….

Finally, you have the “Stalker” class. This breed will start with your work number, then call your home, then your cell, on to your pager, and all the way down your your mother’s brother’s cousin’s friend’s ex-girlfriend’s niece’s kindergarten teacher’s grandmother. I’ve seen this class at work start at one office and work their way though entire departments. Sad.

Special Power: Reach Out and Touch Someone – The ability to call someone in the middle of a movie or most inopportune moment. The result is that you want to reach out and touch them…repeatedly…using their phone as a bludgeoning object.

Arch-Nemesis #9 – Felis domesticus

This Arch-Nemesis could be summed up in one word: Evil.

I came out of the womb with a hatred for these feline hairballs. This is pretty evident when I killed my first cat at the ripe old age of 2. (Its actually a great story, but you’ll have to ask me about it in person.)

I honestly believe when the word for snake was translated from Hebrew in Genesis, scholars got it wrong. It should have been cat. These foul creatures are the only animals that I know of that if you piss them off, they will take a dump in your shoes. Man, that’s just plain mean.

If you have ever observed a cat, they are always thinking. Constantly scheming on how to worm their way into our hearts so they can use it as a scratching post. Devious creatures. Whenever a cat strolls into a room, it looks for the highest perch so it can look down upon us mere humans.

Also, cat are ten times more demanding that the neediest woman to ever grace this earth. High maintenance doesn’t even begin to describe what these creatures long for. They always want your attention, love, and affection. They can be extremely jealous and down right aggravating if threatened or provoked.

Finally, these creatures are built to withstand destruction: 9 lives, claws, sharp teeth, agility, stalking abilities, and a funky tail that causes them to always land on their paws.

Move over cockroach.

Special Power: Hairball of Fury – Literally, they can cough up a smothering mat of wet hair from their nether regions. Figuratively, when you see the back arch and back hair stand up, I recommend you seek shelter.

Arch-Nemesis #10 – Myspace

Bane of my internet existence.

Oh where to begin?

Ah, content overload. If there was ever a place to give you a peek into the inner working of a pre-pubescence mind…this is it. Nothing says, “How beautiful!” like a colorblind retard and a box of 96 color crayons. Now take that and apply it to website design and you’ve got MySpace page layouts. Seriously, I get queasy trying to scroll down one of their pages. I almost forget who I am. I’m not going to lie, I used the static scrolling background on a site once…10 YEARS AGO! It wouldn’t be a big deal, but 99.999999999% of the pages are like that. Now just, pardon the pun, throw up a ton of random movie posters, CD covers, and teen dreamboats and you’re set. And don’t forget the music that plays in the background.

What next…oh yes…I’m an attention whore. Look at me!!! Over here!!! I’m so beautiful!!! Everyone hates me!!! This is my cry for help!!! Why don’t you cry me a river. It’s like a virtual middle school out there. People vying for top friend spots, others trying to get the most friends, while the rest are talking about how much their life sucks. Where else are you going to find jail bait taunting dirty old men, kids talking about how they are going to blow stuff up, and “look at this cool pic of me smoking pot”? It’s worse than the mall at 7:00 PM on a Friday night. Seriously, if the world was going to end and we had to build a space ark for everyone, I would to see if they were on MySpace first.

I realize that if you are emo and reading this, you really don’t care. Just know that MySpace has given good blogs bad names.

Now go get a haircut.

And a life.

Special Power: Oppression – The ability to make you feel insignificant to the power of MySpace through design, cheery idiots, and emo depression. Hold me. I’ll all alone.

PS – My blog is better than your blog.